I've learned a lot about myself since I began writing in spring of 2018. Tonight I had an awareness about my sexuality that relates to my upcoming release, Rising from Ash. I wrote it in my personal blog but am sharing it here as well.
I’m currently finishing a book with a main character who is demisexual, which is part of the asexual spectrum. This is a recent exploration for me, though I vaguely recall exploring it many years ago as well. My struggle has been somewhat unique and complicated by a few factors.
- I've been in a relationship for 20 years next month. I have no idea what attractions I would feel if I were single and can’t remember enough details from that long ago to have a clear perspective. Until tonight.
- Autism makes me touch averse and challenges me when categories that aren’t discrete. The definition of asexual and demisexual are not concrete to me (or many people) so it only partially clicked for me.
- My relationship is complicated by chronic illness and a child. We don’t have a ‘normal’ sex life, and my touch aversion, while not strong, is enough that I’m not physically affectionate except with my daughter (which is something I’m still working to understand and is a whole post in itself.)
Tonight, something changed as I thought about the physical relationships I’ve had. This is a short period of time in my life, roughly a year and a half, and like I said, 20 years ago. But, I tried to remember each of them in relation to who initiated what. I saw a pattern based on two categories of people.
- Those I didn’t know well.
These would be people I met at a bar (before I was 21, ironically enough), or met elsewhere but didn’t know well at all. Without exception, these were not people I had sex with, even if we spent a lot of time kissing. I thought maybe it was lack of experience and confidence, but I genuinely can’t remember wanting to having sex.
- Those I had a deeper connection with.
These are the only people I initiated with at all (though I’m really not an initiator, so this is stretching the definition honestly. Pretty sure this is the autism and not reading people well.) Anyway… even in these situations I couldn’t say I experienced sexual attraction because I genuinely can’t make sense out of what that is. I think what people describe as sexual attraction doesn’t apply to me. Care to guess why? Yep, autism.
Asexuality is not defined by the act of sex, or even a desire for sex. However, I think that in my case, that’s what I have to go on. I only wanted things to progress with a few key people in my life. Not saying I was coerced (though there were sketchy situations), but I just went along with it because it was easier than stopping it for no real reason. (Yes, I recognize this is a problematic approach. But I didn't know better 20 years ago!)
I’ve decided I can’t use anyone else’s definitions of sexual attraction because my brain doesn’t work that way. Going with my own definitions, I feel a lot more comfortable with the term demisexual and asexual now and feel they both apply to me. Sex is fun, but sex is also complicated in my brain and body. So as I prepare to release this book into the world, I’m trying to reflect a part of my experience through Ash without all of the pieces (like autism and touch aversion). I hope it results in a different type of representation that a lot of people can relate to and understand.